Thank you, 2019

Aku hanya merasa tidak pernah baik untukmu
Kadang aku malu pada driku sendiri, betapa aku tidak bisa menghargai apa yang ada dalam hidupku
Aku mengutuk semuanya, hanya melihat kesialan yang hadir tanpa menengok anugerah yang ada dalam tiap harinya
Memilikimu, jadi bagian yang selalu terpikir olehmu setiap hari
Jadi seseorang yang selalu kau rindukan
Yang selalu kau khawatirkan

Aku sendiri tak mengerti mengapa hatiku gampang sekali berubah, aku bisa senang kemudian sedih dan depresi sebegitunya. Aku merasa aku sakit jiwa, kehidupanku dirundung kesedihan yang tak pernah aku inginkan. Tapi selalu ada kamu, terutama disaat tersulit saat aku harus melawan diriku sendiri. Keinginan-keinginan yang timbul saat aku mau menghabiskan nyawaku, saat hilang arahku berhasil kau tangani.

Mengapa pula alam bawah sadarku semakin lemah? Aku sudah mencoba melawan semua ini setiap harinya, menempatkan kesadaranku, berpikir baik, namun aku selalu terjebak dalam kegelapan. Tiba-tiba aku jadi sesuatu yang bukan diriku, ini amatlah menyakitkan karena aku tak dapat mengenali diriku sendiri.

Aku selalu lelah dengan kepiluan ini, sebab alasannya susah sekali untuk dicari. Aku tak mampu menahan rasaku sendirian, rasanya seperti orang gila. Aku kehilangan banyak hal tentang diriku, aku kehilangan keceriaanku, kemampuanku untuk mengenal orang-orang baru, seketika aku menjadi defensive kepada setiap orang. Padahal rasanya aku ini sangat ingin bersikap hangat kepada setiap orang.. Aku melemah, dapat kurasakan tubuhku yang tiap hari kehilangan bobotnya, kurasakan kesehatanku menurun seiring aku yang tak dapat mengendalikan depresiku. Semuanya amat membingungkan, aku tak mampu melangkah, kadang terlalu takut untuk melalui semuanya dan disebut sebagai orang yang gagal.

Have you ever felt of being so good but actually you’re not good enough for people? It is just you trying to be the best version of you but everyone’s denied you. That’s me, when I try to be myself in front of people, they’ll lose respect of me. They wanted to see me okay, but I am not a robot who don’t have any feelings! Sometimes, I need admiration, I need to know that you need me, I used to sacrificed my needs just in case to make people happy. But slowly, I become so selfish, can’t control my ego.

Dear myself,

You’ve been so tired, and I know that. You always pretend to be so strong to face everything, you hide your fear in front of them, deep inside I really knew that you’re not that tough. But you did nice girl, I am so proud that you can stand until today, about 2 years ago, I knew you lose yourself, you lose your hope, your wish, your passion, but fortunately you can rebuilt them all!

Adult’s life is not so nice, right? You met new people that taught you lesson, some of them gave you happiness. That’s life , girl. Not everyone will love you with what you do, so just filter whatever they said, bad words sometimes can help you grow.

You cried a lot, but you laugh a lot. I just want to remind you that you’re a lucky girl. You have everything, you have the body that keep support you. You’re a clever girl, a nice one for someone. You surrounded by those good people, you have a care brother, even your other brothers seems not really care about you.

Be thankful for you who still can smile, eat, breath, and have things to do in daily. You might fail but that’s girl, at least you try. You cannot always make people proud of you and make them depend everything on you! It’s okay you are not meant to hurt them or make them disappointed. You did your best and fought for that. You learned much things, about forgiveness, self-love, patient, you are going to mastering a thunder and turn it into a peace.

Thank you, for never give up on us. For keep the balance between your mind and heart. To refuse do the wrong thing, and keep going on your way. Furthermore, you’ll have another lesson, you might broke your heart, your might disappoint yourself, you might drown in sadness, but that’s all is normal. You’ll always keep shining as long as you know how to rise, the sun goes down and rise again on the next day, so you are, girl.

The faith you have, the belief you hold on to, keep it. Be honest and go fight your laziness coz laziness don’t suit you. Transform yourself into a better one, a better one doesn’t mean replace the old you, it’s like adding new features in yourself so people won’t focus on your imperfection.

Nothing in this world is perfect, you just never see their other side. More than judging others, better to know yourself. Hold your tongue before you want to say bad things to other, imagine if you were them, obviously you don’t want someone do that to you.

If you see your friend become greater than you, be happy, don’t think that they beat you, NO, they don’t! They just been become the best next version of themselves so you should see yourself more, dear. Learn much from sadness, know how to heal your broken heart. Be brave enough to break people’s negative point of view. And smile, somehow smiling can help your heavy day..

I love you, myself.